Tenshi and Oni-chan go Fushigi Yuugi!
Another stupid spoof by Oni-chan ^.~
Setting:Anchient China-Land of really fine men. (And other really freaky people)
Timeline:No where really. Probably somewhere in the story after Tamahome got back from being Yui's captive.
"Let go of me, you twit!" Oni-chan shouted noisily at the guard who was dragging her along.
"Calm down and cooperate, Oni." Tenshi reasoned. "Things will work out."
"Don't make me go Kung Fu on yo' ASS!" She ignored her friend and continued to fight.
They were hustled into the throne room. Hotohori watched them with amusement from his throne. Two guards droped the bound and screaming capitave brutially on the floor.
"Owwww. My buuuuuutt." she groaned.
"Your Eminence," A bearded man addressed him "These are the theives we captured outside the city."
"You jokin'? You guys Jumped us! No fair!"
He motioned to two guards who picked her up by the ankles and the contents of her pockets spilled onto the mosaic floor. Two of the Empoerer's rings, a setting of the royal silverware and the Guards wallet landed at Hotohori's feet.
"Those were soooo planted! Tenshi, will tell ya-...Tenshi?...Tenshi?.." she looked around for the blonde and finally located her in the corner drooling over a man with red hair and really sexy fangs.
"I'm Tenshi...and you're going to be the father of my children."
"I'm Tasuki and you're a freak." he konked her on the head and walked down the hallway.
"So FINE!" she mumbled as the guards drug her like a doll to the dungeon below.
***
"We're doomed."
"I don't know. This Emperor is pretty cute." Tenshi shrugged and turned the page on her book.
"Ick." Oni-chan shivered remebering the black bearded, and rather repulsive man they had met a few days earlier.
"This guy is pretty nice too."
"Yeah...you know who I wouldn't mind seeing again? That blonde general."
"Nakago?"
"Yeah...that's him...DAMN he looks good with a whip!"
"He was beating Tamahome!"
"I know. He looks GOOD with a whip!"
"You and your hormones."
"Don't go there. Mrs. 'You're going to be the father of my children'."
"I was seduced by the long, pointy incisors."
"Uh-huh."
Just then they heard a clanking as the gate was unlocked and opened. A blue haired monk stood there smileing pleasently.
"I'm Chichiri, no da?"
"Kawaii!^.^" Oni-chan hugged his legs. "Soooo adorible!"
Theie savior was stumped for the time being.
"I can't feel my legs, no da?" he found his voice.
"Sorry."
"I'm here to get you out." he continued as Tenshi dusted herself off.
"Cool, thanks." she smiled and shook his hand.
"You must be the one with the brain, no da?"
"I sense an insult here." Oni lifted a finger in defiance and glowered.
"Sorry, couldn't resist." Chichiri bowed "I'll take you to the Emporer now."
"Eeeeeee!" the two girls squeeled and held hands, jumping about faceing each other in an anime fashion.
"I guess I was wrong about the brain." he led them out.
"Butt-monkey." Oni-chan breathed to a guard as she walked by. He made a sudden move towards her and she jumped. "I ment to do that." she shifted her leather jacket like Michael Jackson in "Bad."
"Dork." Tenshi rolled her eyes.
***
"I would just like to say, that I'm your number one fan." Tenshi bowed.
"Flattery in unessisary. We apologize for your rough treatment."
"Thank you." Tenshi had him in the palm of her hand. Somehow she had managed to get them recuted from theiveing, noisy prisoners to the guesets of honor at dinner. And in the same amount of time Oni-chan had almost established China's First FBI "10 most wanted" list and placed herself at the top.
"Food!" Miaka dove at the table imediaely upon her arrival.
Tamahome rubbed his tepmles then noticed the guests.
"Well, hello. Fancy seein' you here." He bowed to Tenshi. "Is your...um..frie-"
"HI!" Oni-chan jumped between them.
"ACK!" He jumped back. "I thought I killed you!"
"Sorry Tama-baby."
"It's Nuriko all over again." Miaka giggled through a mouthful of duck eggs.
"Tama-HOME"!
"Yer cute." she punched his arm and picked up her coat. "See ya guys latter! I have a date."
"She don't get that she's a prisoner, does she?" Tasuki raised an eyebrow.
"Not a notion in her empty head." Tenshi nodded.
"HI!" Nuriko waved from the doorway.
"HI!" Oni returned the enthusiastic greeting.
"You're going out with the palace queer?!" Tamahome freaked.
"Well, you could say it's love..."
Tenshi hit the ground, her feet in the air. (Via Anime)
"..or you could say I'm just a sucker for crossdressers."
She reached for her shoes which had been placed in the back of a shelf, out of the way. After a moment of standing on her toes and jumping, came the usuall plea.
"Tenshi, salvage my pride."
The six foot one teenager moved the shoes to the very edge and Oni managed to get them down and put them on.
Tenshi tried to keep a straight face. It didn't work.
Oni shot a death glare and took Nuriko's arm.
"So, where to?"
"To get you a new outfit. You look like a clown in that!"
"Girrr."
***
"I feel pretty!" Oni-chan twirled.
"What is that??"
"It was in Miaka's closet. Me and Nuriko helped ourselves."
"Figures."
"Well, she isn't gonna wear 'em anyway. She wears the same outfit every frikin' day!"
"Wow. you actually found shoes that fit you?" Tenshi gawked.
"Eh, shatup. They're Nuriko's."
"Never noticed before but he has big feet!"
"You know what they say about a guy with bug feet in relation to-"
"HI HOTOHORI!"
"No need to shout ,Lady. We are not hard of hearing." he grinned.
"PLease stop calling yourself 'we'! You're an individual! Not a country!"
*Oni=anime sweat drop*
"Any minute now the guards are gonna rush us." the demon muttered cautiously.
"Don't be silly." Tenshi overheard "Why would they do that?"
"You just told the Emporer what to do!"
"But he's such a drone!"
*Hotohori=Blush and ani-sweat-drop*
A man began to walk toward them.
"I knew it!" Oni-chan shouted, shakeing Tenshi's arm. "I told you! I told you!"
"Tea?" The man presented a tray.
"Oh. Okay." she blushed and took a small porcilin cup.
Tenshi and Oni-chan took their seats on soft satin cushions on the ground at a short table and sipped their tea.
"This place is alot nicer than- Tenshi? Tenshi? Are you listening to me?"
Of course she wasn't...
*thought bubble* Tenshi and Tasuki were walking hand-in-hand. Hundreds of little Tasuki's and Tenshi's were runing about.
Oni-chan promply took out a pin and poped the bubble.
"Hey! I was enjoying that daydream!" Tenshi objected.
"Why dream about it when you can make it a reality?!"
"Oni! you just sounded like me!"
"ACK!" She jumped backward and clung tightly to Hotohori's head. IT was several seconds before she realized what she had done. "Sorry, your emporership thingie...I uh...you know." she climbed down and took her seat beside Tenshi again.
"Serves you right." the Angel mumbled into the green liquid.
"I hate you."
***
"I would make a terrible mom." Oni limped into the room the two sharred. Chiriko was attached to her hindered leg.
"Dear God." Tenshi looked up from her book with a weirded look "The thought of you spawning..." she shivered mockingly.
"Shadap." she pryed the loving child off her limb [with a great deal of dificulty] and sent him out into the hall.
"So. We've waisted enough time. There must be a reason we're here or the author is just plain sick." *Oni-chan smiles wickedly and cracks knuckles before continueing to type*
"What is there to figure out?"
"How are we gonna get out of here?"
"Like you wanna leave."
"Pardon?"
"Tasuki. ^.~"
"DAMN!...i mean...he's very attractive, and your point?"
"TENSHI!" they turned to see Tasuki covered in wet spagetti noodles and lipstick. "What the hell are you trying to do to me?!"
"You remembered my name ^_^." she cooed.
"How can I forget a crazy broad like you?" he huffed,leaveing.
"You've got it all wrong, girl."
"Oh?"
"You wanna get a man you have to use lasanga noodles! Not spagetti! NOt to mention, WHERE'S THE SAUCE?"
"Oh. DAMN."
***
"I think It's a chicken."
The seven warriors of Suzaku starred dumbfouned at Oni-chan. She was regarding the palace shrne like a painting in an arm museum.
"It's a Pheonix." Tenshi hissed.
"Chicken."
"Pheonix."
"IT'S A CHICKEN ON FIRE!"
"PHONIX!"
"FIRE CHICKEN!"
"PHEONIX!"
"FIRE CHICKEN!"
"PHEONIX!"
"That's it! I'm callin' Corneal Sanders! He'll clear this up! That is a chicken, extra crispy!"
*CAT FIGHT*
"LADIES, ladies." Tamahome pulled them apart.
"Yes, please do calm down." Hotohori rubbed his temples.
"SHUT-UP!" both women yelled at him and continued their 'spat.'
"Oops. We did it again, didn't we?" Tenshi stoped suddenly, holding Oni at arm's length. She contiued to swat at Tenshi unsecsefully.
"Arms...to short..."
"Uh huh." he smirked.
"Peace?" Oni made the peace sign.
"Knubbs!" Tenshi did the same and bent her fingers [hence the knubbs]
"I need to become a drug addict."
"Yes, your eminence." an advisor bowed.
"Your Eminience!" A gasping soldier ran into the throne room. "There is war on the southern borders!"
"Tenshi..."
"Yes, Oni-chan?"
"I think we have a pourpose in this storyline."
***
Hotohori watched his troops file into the large room. Colorful military banners announced a time of war in the kingdom. Tenshi sat at his right hand, wearing a s plendid kimono made of sky-blue silk. Suddenly the large doors at the end of the hall burst open and Oni-chan ran to the foot of his throne.
"I LIVE!!!!" she fell to her knees and lifted her hands in the air.
"When were you dead?" the emporer muttered under his breath.
"Tell me what village needs my protection, great Emporer! You just say the word and I'm there!"
"Oni-chan." Tenshi gently tried to stop her.
"In anybody dares to threaten YOUR kingdom, VENGENCE WILL BE MINE!"
her fingers bent into claws and she proceded to stalk around the room, makeing animal sounds, displaying her "claws" and dragging one leg behind her.
"ONI!!"
"Yes?"
"These" Tenshi pointed to the legions "Are the imperial soldiers. They..." The angel waited for an answer.
"Protect the kingdom." Oni begrudgeingly admitted.
"And you oh demoted one..."
"Ring the gong."
"That's right." (Yep. We stole this scene from 'Mulan')
"But...but..give me another chance!"
"Are you nuts?!" Tamahome stood "Your guidence lead General Fou to disaster!"
"Yeah, thanks a lot." the man held his head in the crook of his arm. IT was glareing at her.
"Anyway, back to war. Oni?" Hotohori got things moveing again.
"Okay, okay. Let's look alive people. Let's go!" she banged on the brazen disk. giving one last good clang in Tenshi's ear. She then proceded to plop herse;f down in the corner and read a newspaper. Looking up every few seconds to snarl at the procedeings over the top of the page and roll her eyes.
"...We cannot loose this battle!" a general, (un-headless) declared.
"We must send teh most powerful entaty in the universe!" Hotohori announced.
"All right, all right. I get the jist. I'll go." Oni-chan jumped up and took a bow.
"Go wake Suzaku, You Idiot!" he snapped.
She did as she was told, dragging the gong behing her.
"You'll get back to me on the job thing, right?"
"GO!" Tenshi threw a delicate paper fan at her.
***
"Alright Fire Chicken. Let's go." Oni gave the gong a few good hits right in the statue's face. "Cpme on. YOu gotta go save the kingdom."
The statue, however, remained motionless.
"Come on boy, goi save 'em." she threw the gong banger like a stick. As if the mighty god were a humble dog. Still nothing. So Oni started floating around, flapping her arms and cooing. Still nothing.
"WAKE UP YOU STUPID CHICKEN!!" she picked up the gong and began to beat the bird with it "HELLO!! HELLO!!!!"
Suddenly the top plumage fell off and after a slight pause te whole thing crumbled.
"Uhoh."
"Great and Mighty Suzaku! Have you awakened?" Hotohori called out.
The guilty parted responded in a deep voice.
"Why yes! Yes I have! I just need to take a crap on the new freshly waxed convertable at 23rds Maine and I'll be right back!"
"Go see what she's doing." Tamahome ordered Tenshi.
"Oni, what are you up to?" she went out into the hall.
"I am the great Suzaku!" Oni held up the remains of the god's head. "I shall go forth and defeat the enemy!"
"I'm not buying it."
"Crap." she droped the head which shattered into even more small peices.
"Neaver fear! I have super nail glue!"
"My hero." the demon raised an eyebrow before bending down to help peice it back together.
As they finished, Tamahome came to see what was takeing so long. They put on false toothy smiles.
"What are you two doing?" he looked at them suspiciously.
"Nuthin' Tama-baby." Oni cooed sweetly.
He pushed her aside and went up to the statue.
"What's wrong with Suzaku? Is that a crack?" he touched it gently with his index finger. The monument crumbled...again.
As if on cue, Hotohori came around the corner.
"Look what you did." she shook a finger at Tamahome.
He was speechless. Hotohori looked to Tenshi for confirmation. The winged blonde simply pointed a finger to her left at neither Oni or Tamahome. The emporer accepted that at meaning Tamahome.
"Tamahome, we do not approve."
The accused sputtered indignantly.
"He said 'we' again. Girr." Tenshi wispered to her freind.
"Later!"she wispered back, pulling her partner in crime out of the room.
***
"This is not good! This is not good!" Tenshi chanted, rocking back and forth on the bed and holding her head in her hands.
"Why?" Oni wondered ignorantly.
"Because now Suzaku can' save us, you dip!"
"Eh, who needs a dumb fire chicken anyway?"
"WE DO!"
"No we don't. We're masters of our own destiny! We can do anything. Even die horribly in battle! Or be taken as P.O.W.!"
"Your morbid optimism is getting old."
"Better than my morbid pessimism."
"Girrr."
"Yeah, that's it. Ah, chill out. It's just a little ol' war. We're from America! We're a major world power!"
"In the 21st Centry. This is Anchient China."
"A minor detail."
"Oi~~" Tenshi shook her head in dismay. "Alright Oni-chan. I'll buy it this one time. Let's take care of this world ourselves!"
***
"Why do I listen to you?" Tenshi glared over at Oni-chan whose hands were also chained behind her back. They were both tied up and their heads rested on chopping blocks.
"I can't beleive we got caught." the demon ignored Tenshi's grumbleings and grumbled herself. "How stupid. It's always the stupid things I get in trouble for."
"You tried to assasinate the leading enemy general!"
"It was a brilliant plan!"
"It was OUR general.
"Oopsie."
"I hate you."
"He yo! You with no neck!"
An overly built (and mean looking) guard turned around and snarled down at her.
"Yeah, you." she confirmed that it was he to whom she was speaking "What are we being held for?"
"Treason."
"Gee. I didn't see THAT one comming." Tenshi cracked.
"Shut-up!" her companion lashed out.
"Ah, here'sthe executioner now!" the guard's voice sounded upbeat.
A black-clad. hooded man with a rusty axe lumbered up the platform stairs toward them and cerimoniously raised the axe over his head.
"Any last words?" the guard laughed.
"Our father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be they name...." Tenshi mumbled.
"Our father in Heaven, GET OFF YOUR HOLY ASS AND HELP US!" Oni-chan gave her own prayer.
"That will do." the executioner got ready to drop his axe.
"What happens now Tenshi?" Oni squinted her eyes shut remembering how her history teacher had described beheadings...
*~*"The first wack almost never killed you. The executioner had to hack at ya a few times before he got through the spine. Now, let's recal class, that you're still alive while he's doing this. Then there was a wonderful invention. The Guiloteen. Often, such a clean sweep was executed-pardon my pun-that the head would remain alive without the body for a few moments longer without the body."*~*
"Oh MAN , Tenshi! What happens now?"
She took a long breath before answering.
"Well, Oni. You will burn in hell and I'll spend eternity in the arms of baby Jesus."
*BOINK*
"I'm dead." Oni stated calmly, slowly opening her eyes.
"You okay?" Tenshi appeared in her face, she seemed illuminated by a bright light.
"Oh no! I didn't go to hell! I went to the other place!!"
"No you didn't."
"Then...that means..."
"You got it."
"I'm just a head! My body! I want my Body! Waaaaaaaaaa!"
"Oni-chan...."
"Everyone will call me 'Stumpy'!"
"Oni-chan..."
"Hey pal, give you a hand there?" She mocked herself in a mock deep voice.
"ONI-CHAN!"
"Yes?"
"We're not dead, or headless. We're home!"
"Oh. Cool." Oni sat up, realizeing that she was in her room. An open book sat between her and Tenshi. She picked it up and read the cover
"Universe of teh Four Gods" she snarled "DEVIL BOOK! BURN BABY BURN!" it was hurled towards the fireplace.
"Wait!" Tenshi caught it at the last moment.
"What are you doing?"
"Tasuki."
"Give it up, Girl." Oni took the book back. "I'm sorry. I won't make you suffer. Go outside. I'll take care of it and then we can go for a walk."
"Thatnks, Oni-chan." she greatefully but reluctantly followed orders, giving her freind a quick hug before departing.
"Don't mention it." Oni smiled and slid the book into her bookshelf. "DAMN he looks GOOD with a whip."
~OWARI~
OWARI
p.s.-Tenshi really is six foot one, I am five foot two. She really has to "Salvage my pride."
p.p.s.-also. i do not have big feet! i just put that in there so the subject of Nuriko's feet would be brought up. [vanity, so sue me]
p.p.p.s.-last note-We really do that who "Eeeee" thing, and the "Kawaii" thing and the "Peace, Knubbs" thing. As well as the "Fire Chicken". we have no brain.
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